Self Worth & The Single Life Part I

It's the holiday season so I must touch on this NOW. People get so wrapped up into this time of year that they slip into depression and stress because they don't have anyone to snuggle up with. Get the over that shit A.S.A.P.

Okay so what is up with the lack of self love that I see displayed in a lot of women when it comes to their choice in a mate? What I mean is that a lot of women I know settle just so that they can say they have a man. I don't understand that but then again I don't have any issues with being comfortable with me and I have no problem with being alone.   The question is "How can you be with a man when you can't even be with yourself?" Who is going to want to be with you if you can't stand your own company? A lot of women measure their worth based on how many men approach them or how many men can they have calling them etc. I had one friend, if no one trying to holla at her... she ready to go. Ya'll know what I am talking about too. And then when they finally get a man....they like whoever like them. No preference what so ever... oh I am sorry... he has to have a dick! lol. Then they get in these toxic relationships that are based on nothing but shallow factors that at the end of the day that don't mean nothing. They are so worried about how he look and what he got, that how he treats them isn't important anymore. A lot of women, I am finding out are not even looking to be respected because they disrespect themselves so much.

Let me keep it 1 HUNNIT!  YOU hold the standard and you have to make who ever that wants you rise to YOUR standard. People will always treat you like you treat yourself. As women we need to check ourselves first... what is it that we really want. You cannot turn a booty call into your man.. I repeat, you cannot turn your booty call into your man. Leave that where its at. If you decided that's all he is good for, leave it like that. We set ourselves up in so many ways for upsets in relationships. We get a raggedy guy, and try to fix him... dust him off, clean him up and for what? ... So he can look good for the next chick. 

People always show you who they are, ladies we have to just stop talking so damn much and just sit back and watch. God gave us discernment, how about you use it.  The bottom line is this. Before you go off the deep end talking about what all a man has to be to be with you, make sure that if Mr. Right comes that you will be his Mrs. Right. Check yourself first and he will check himself before he steps to you, if he is worthy.  You have to have standards, if you don't you become like the majority, stuck in a relationship where you have no loyalty to this guy because you can't see yourself with him. Ya'll gonna learn about "Mr. in the meantime", trust me. I am only speaking from experience from both sides.... where I am now and where I was. Oh yeah and ladies remember its not about Quantity but it's about Quality. I just hate to see ya'll settle for less. Aren't YOU worth waiting for?

Gimme That Gushy!

I bet you saw the title of this page and said to yourself- What the
hell is this about? Well this page is dedicated to Personal
Lubricants- something that for some reason most women and men do
not think is needed in the bedroom. Before I go into the types of
lubes, I want to first explain why if you don't have anything else
in your sexual arsenal, you must always have lube on deck!


What exactly is lube and why do I need it?

Personal Lubricants are specialized lubes for sexual activity.
There purpose is simple to avoid friction on the penis, vagina and
anus (or wherever else you may choose to penetrate) during
intercourse as well as provides wetness for oral sex. Personal
lubes are essential during sexual acts because they not only
protect the penis, vagina and anus from trauma but provide more
stimulation during sex play. This is why they always say "Wetter is
Better".

Types of Lubricants

Water-based

Safe for use in genitals and anus. Can be used w/latex condoms and
diaphrams. During oral sex, you can ingest small amounts. Will not
stain clothes or sheets but some may be irritated or allergic to
it. DO NOT use as a massage lotion or on large areas of skin.
During extended love making sessions it can dry out because
purified water is one of the key ingredients. Just apply water or
saliva to replenish. Can rise water-based lubes off with warm,
moist washcloth. This is the most natural feeling lubricant.

Oil-based

This includes vegetable oil (olive oil and corn oil), butter &
nut oils (avocado, peanut and the like). They double as a massage
oil and lube and you can swallow them during sex. They are safe to
use during sex w/ condoms, diaphrams & cervical caps, although
the greasiness can cause condoms to slip off. BE CAREFUL. These
lubes can provoke or encourage vaginal infections. Another issue
with this type of lube is they may stain clothes and linens. To
remove, it takes a lot of hot water and soap. Can also cause latex
condoms to weaken or tear.



Petroleum-based

Made from petroleum jelly, mineral oil, or petroleum- vaseline or
baby oil. This destroys the latex and should NEVER be used w/
condoms, diaphrams or cervical caps. They should NEVER be used in
the vaginal since they irritate the vaginal lining and can change
the vaginal chemistry which will lead to infection. It can also
irritate outside of the vagina. It should NEVER be ingested and can
stain clothes and linens. Most couples prefer them for anal
play.



Silicone-based

Silicone-based lubes are different from all the above mentioned
lubes because it isn't absorbed by the skin, it sits on the
surface. Since it has that property, it doesn't dry out like
water-based lubricants. Not all of these lubes are condom safe so
make sure you read the label. This type of lubricant is especially
great for marathon sex and anal sex. You should NEVER use this type
of lube with silicone based sex toys- they will stick onto the
surface of the toy causing the toy to slowly melt away.



Specialty Lubes

This category includes warming lubricants, edible lubricants.
Warming lubricants can create a heating sensations by rubbing on
them or blowing on them. Edible lubes are used more so for oral
sex.



Anal Lubes

Most lubricants are good for anal sex but you may want to stick
with a thicker variety like a gel lubricant. Most anal lubricants
contain benzocaine which is a numbing agent to make anal entry
easier and reduce discomfort. Products containing benzocaine will
numb all body parts that it comes in contact with.





Click here for different types of
lubricants

Pleasure Principle

As a "sex pert" (trust me, I was given that title....lol) I get a lot of emails from people of all walks of life asking me a lot about how to please their partners. It amazes me how all of us are fucking and don't know what the hell we are doing. I get so tired of the urban legend that men are responsible for a woman's orgasm... if she doesn't cum it's his fault. Ladies get out of the Stone Age please! Use a little common sense. If you are not vocal about what you like, where to touch, stroke, lick, tease... how is your partner supposed to know? Ah ha but the thing is, many women do not know themselves.

As much as we would like to think that we are pretty much liberated sexually the truth is most are fucking out of some type of form of rebellion. They still have a deep seated shame for indulging in pleasure. This is more common in women than men of course. But no matter how much they say they are not tied to the status quo of what society thinks... they do, depending on the audience. In this day and age, with how much time we spend on the internet, no one uses it to learn about the thing we probably do the most... have sex. Don't think I am complaining because I am not. I just would really like for people to take their blinders off and take some responsibility for their pleasure.

Men are guilty of it too. I get a lot of emails from guys wanting to know how to get their partners more aggressive sexually because they love it. The issue is simple- we don't talk about sex. If you just assumed forever that you were supposed to just take the lead in the bedroom, hell you think she going to step up? Not at all... she never has a freaking chance to be assertive.:-) Plain and simple, know what you like and be open and honest about it. You may have a fetish and your partner just might be into that- but you will never know if you don't make your desires known and at the same time heed to your partner's desires.

Be a part of the movement- lets get rid of these outdated, stereotypical, misogynistic, misandronistic views of sexuality. Pleasure is for everyone and their is nothing wrong with wanting to be pleased sexually.

Ok ok, I am off my soapbox. Feel free to leave comments and check out my sex talk radio show every Friday night at 11pm EST at www.blogtalkradio.com/thesensualcipher

Peace Passion & Pleasure

Earned- Not Given

Ok So as you see the whole month of September was non existent here at The Brilliant Cut- so I apologize in advance...BUT I'M BACK SO LET'S GET IT POPPIN'!

Now that I am done with my little disclaimer lets get to the premise of this blog which is one of my favorite topics to rant about- DATING. As much as I would like to dedicate this blog to the mere fact that people don't date anymore.... they just f*ck and say okay, we are a couple... I am not going to do that (at least not right now!) I really want to touch on the fact that when you are being pursued by someone in a romantic way, people think that you HAVE TO be nice to them. Now I am not talking about nice in the way of being cordial and civil, I mean nice as in doing what they ask you to do for them when they have not earned any rank yet! I find this to be most common among the "beautifully and handsomely fortunate". It comes off that because they are attractive they just think all they have to do is show up! Now this may be true in the case that you are being pursued but when the tables are turned, the ball is in the court of the person you are pursuing.

Plain and simple, if you ask someone to do something, don't look at it like they HAVE TO BECAUSE YOU ASKED THEM TO. If they say no, it is not the end of the world- step your game up, make yourself irreplaceable so that the person sees that you are worth it. Personally, if I am dealing with anyone and I don't see their worth, they are all for self and what they want and I don't ask them for anything yet they are constantly asking me to do things for them... I am rebelling. My attitude is simple- Who are you? Its hard but I know you guys will feel me on this. When it comes to the dating scene, all men are created equal. Time is a precious resource that I cannot get back so I will be damn if I waste it on frivolous request to appease someone's ego. NOT HAPPENING- especially when my ego isn't being stroked.

When you do something or adhere to requests such as for an example- not being loyal to faternity/sorority phamily or friends of the opposite sex, coming in at a certain hour when you are out with your friends etc., what you do is become a people pleaser. Now its one thing to please someone who goes hard for you because that is reciprocity. When someone comes in the gate and feels like how you deal with people, live your life is supposed to be compromised because now they have a interest in you "Houston, we have a problem".

The moral of this blog is simple. In life everything is earned, not given. It isn't about what the next person wants if you are being pursued, it is about what you are going to give them. Don't give anyone the power to coerce you into making them a priority, when you are still in deed an option.

-Game is for Those Who Listen ~book coming soon

Serial Monogamy

I have been in quite a few conversations about relationships and everyone for the most part thinks that if you are not monogamous, you are not in a relationship. How could you sleep with someone else and be in a relationship with another person? That's low down and triflin' right? The question was asked- "Could you be in a relationship with someone who was open in telling you that they would want to occasionally sleep with other people?" I would estimate about 98% said no, if they cannot only sleep with me, they don't love me or they are not ready to commit. In the words of the Diva Tina Turner- "What's love got to do with it?" Why must a person's love be limited to only one person as if love is a tangible thing like money or food? The more you give out, the less you have to give. Love is unlimited and has no boundaries so where do we get this theory of if you love them then you can't possibly love me?

I bring this up because I found it odd that people think that as long as you are in a "relationship"that gives the okay to have sex. If you aren't in a relationship and going from partner to partner then you are labeled a dog or a whore. My question is this- what do you label someone that goes from relationship to relationship and feels that the number of people they have slept with is justified since they were in a "relationship"? Aren't they no better from those who bounce from one person to the next without the "title"? If you want to keep it 1 hunnit (Paige Lingo) neither are able to commit. A person who jumps from relationship to relationship are just in a relationship to have companionship & get laid until the next best thing showing comes along. This is referred to as serial monogamy. Its hard but its fair.

I am not pro sharing BUT wouldn't you rather know that hey they may occasionally sleep with someone rather than people looking at you in the streets like "Damn, s/he are so clueless?" Not only that but so you could better protect yourself and it will definitely give you an incentive to stay on top of you and your partner's status when it comes down to STDs. Just because you have a title doesn't mean a person is committed to you. Commitment is defined as: The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons. That has nothing at all to do with sex. Commitment is way deeper than just the physical and people need to realize that. The physical is the icing on the cupcake but it is not what defines or defiles a relationship. A relationship should be defined by the common goal that each individual has and how by coming together they can each become better person.

If you have been bouncing from one relationship to the other and you have left the same person that you were when you entered it- gone 'head and take a "L" for that one. That was a waste of time. Now sit back and think about how many relationships you have bounced from and how many notches you have put under your belt? Learn how to look at things in its simplistic form rather than in exaggerated terms in life period other wise there will be a lot of "the pot calling the kettle black" going down!

What ever happened to finesse?

Ok so lets keep it 1Hunnit...Swag is such an over used word now that it is pathetic. Its like an opinion, everyone NOW has swagger. NEWSFLASH! Most of y'all don't. Y'all just emulate what someone else does and call it your own. You probably wonder why I am bringing swag up when my expertise is sexuality right? Well whether you know it or not, this swag phenomenon extends to the bedroom and relationships as well. For some odd reason people equate swag with cockiness and in dealing with sexuality, that shit is lame because sex is as unselfish as you can get.

You are giving YOU to someone else. You not doing nobody a favor by giving them your dick or pussy- it’s a fair exchange. Don't get it twisted, I am not saying freelance the dick and puss- you are supposed to have a air of confidence in the bedroom. The thing that swag does is it cripples you sexually because you are still in character of this "person" you project yourself in the outside world to be. In the bedroom & in relationships you are supposed to be you- your authentic self. If you can't be you then who the hell are you? That is where finesse comes in. Finesse is being subtle and delicate in whatever it is you do. When you can finesse a person, you get a whole lot out of the sex, the relationship and the person. How do you think pimps have hoes??? (Ok ok…bad example but you get what I am saying. Lol.)

The point is that swag shit is going to get you a lot of headaches and attract all kind of "lesser beings" to you because they are there for the glitz and glam. Finesse taps you’re your authenticity- be and do you. God forbid you slip in the bedroom and your performance is lacking (shit it happens... to some lol)- there will be no understanding because your swag character probably talked all kinds of shit about how you were going to make their toes curl. When you are "swagged out" you aren't seducing anyone but yourself and you will have a lot of nights with trifling ill intentioned people in your bed or your pocket pussy or vibrator. Learn the art of seduction by oozing finesse- that is what people with substance are drawn too. Now if you want someone that lives in BET land and not the real world, go on ahead and "swag it out".

Mr. & Mrs. Right Now

Remember when we were kids and you would pass that little boy or girl a note that said: Do you like me? Check yes or no. If they checked no, that was your girlfriend/boyfriend and that was that. Why is it that some of y'all still have that mentality- you just like someone, they like you back so its like fuck it- we're an item!!! I hate to break it to you but its not that simple, we wish it was but it is not. If you geniuses haven't caught on yet to what I am talking about, I am talking about relationships.

Okay so I'm gonna keep it G-don't get into a relationship if you cannot handle the responsibility of a relationship. If you just want to shone a lil' bit (shone-whore) and you know deep down inside you ain't shit- don't drag someone else into your confusion. I don't believe there is somebody for everybody. I think that some people are meant to be single. I am a realist and I believe people can have a Mr. Right or Mrs. Right but lets be frank.... until you know who you are and you are done evolving as a person you will run into a whole lot of Mr. Right Nows and Mrs. Right Nows. If you are a person who is into the developement of self on various levels, this may be the part of life that may seem incomplete. The reason why is because the person you were last year, you aren't this year...hell the person you were 2 months ago you aren't today.

Why do we continue to lie to ourselves about what it is that we can offer someone at the point you are in, in your life? If all you can offer someone is dick and an occasional outing... let her know up front. If you are super focused on your career and have limited time, let dude know that he isn't a main priority but you need him there for companionship. IT'S REAL SIMPLE. And people walking around here saying they are the realest. The main attribute in being the realist is not lying to yourself. Once you stop that you can't lie to someone else, you don't want the aggrevation of maintaining the lie if you got some sense. So to avoid future heart ache look at everyone as Mr. or Mrs. Right Now because the chances that someone is going to evolve at the same pace as you is highly unlikely. Remember nothing that comes stays and nothing that goes is lost!

The Sensual Cipher: Men vs Women II

Bromance... What the hell?

Last night I was on urbandictionary.com searching for some words for the Kinky Expressions segment that I do at the end of my show and found the word BROMANCE. It is defined as a complicated love and affection shared by two straight males. Is it just me or is this a suspect cover up for a DL relationship? I saw it on the Tyra Show and I was sitting back like wtf? You had women on the show complaining that their boyfriend spends more time with their best friend than them. Plain and simple there ain't nothing straight about a man chosing to be with another male over his woman- sorry. Yeah I know sometimes you wanna hang with the fellas but damn ALL THE TIME?

If anyone watches The Boondocks, this whole bromance thing reminds me of Gangstalicious with that song "Homies Over Hoes"- what part of the game is that? I would love to blame bromance on guys just being young and childish but the fact that they have gave this crap a name is beyond me. Its like basically saying its ok to be cuddly with your homeboys.... what the hell? I just had to get this off my chest because it seems like its okay for women to be treated as if they are irrevelant and it seems like we are raising a nation of misognistic men who have no relevence for women at all outside of sexual pleasure and reproduction.

But hey.... who am I anyway?

Oh and if you have never seen "Homies over Hoes" here it is!

Is This The New Pick Up Line?????

"Can I Taste You?"

Ok so I really didn't want to go here, but men these days leave me no choice. Is it just me or is this "Can I taste you?" question scary as hell. Granted everyone for the most part like head- I know some people who don't love it, but they wouldn't oblige being served. My question is this...just because people like oral sex, that makes you think an offer of your head game will assure that they like you?

I want you guys to understand this is a phenomenon that is sweeping the US. What happened to "Hello, can I have a moment of your time?" Now its like "Girl you so fine I would suck you into a coma... let me get your number!" Can you say huh? NEWS FLASH!!!! Any woman that has some sense of class about herself would run from you in sheer terror! What message you send out is that you are walking around trying to "yum yum" every woman you think is attractive. That is so messy. What makes it worse is you walking around not only yum yumming women but you are doing it raw. Just slurpin' up all kinds of vaginal fluids and you know you didn't ask for her paperwork. Then your slow ass puts on a condom. Are you thinking???? That gonnorhea is in your stomach by your first stroke. Y'all better wake up! Go to the Adult Store and grab some dental damns and some warming lube... make sure it is water based. If you can't get to any dental dams you can use non microwavable Seran wrap, a condom (just cut the condom along the side and cut the tip off- wha lah a dental damn) or hell use a latex glove and cut it! That way you can give her the sensation of it being raw oral but you are protecting yourself. Oh and sorry... no tongue fucking! :-)

I would love to be arrogant and think that I am just that fly of a chick that I just get applications for "brain donors"all the time but I know I'm not the only one getting these pick up lines. This is bogus and unsanitary and I'm going to pray for y'all. Love yourself.... ask that heffa for some paperwork and if she got a issue with you using a dental dam, hit that bitch in the back of her head because she nasty. (Disclaimer: I said that in jest, I am not a proponent of violence but at the same time, I really mean that shit!) I am newly single and quite frankly I am scared. I think I am going to go shopping for a flashlight keychain and start giving oral examinations. Ya Dig???

Is Oral Sex Foreplay?

The ongoing debate between men and women

By Paige Diamond

Many times, people mistake what the meaning of foreplay really means. Foreplay is sexual stimulation prior to sex. What I have found is that when it comes to sex, men interpret the meaning of foreplay as oral sex or groping etc. Women interpret foreplay differently. The issue is plain and simple-men want to get to the actual act of sex right away and forget the importance of foreplay.

The average woman takes 25 to 30 minutes of foreplay to be aroused enough to become lubricated enough to have enjoyable and satisfying sex. The whole point of foreplay is the anticipation of where your mate will touch, lick, kiss, nipple- hell even bite next.

Many don’t realize that the light stroking or raking (using your nails and fingers along the surface of the skin) on the arm, thigh, neck, chest, hand or face means a lot more if a man comes up behind her while she's cooking or washing dishes than oral sex does. Or perhaps if he starts kissing the nape of her neck, washing of the hair, scrubbing the back and washing the breasts while in the shower. You would be amazed at how much a woman can be aroused by a sensual kiss on the hand for instance. Other types of touch that can be used as foreplay are kneading (whereas you handle the skin as if you’re kneading dough), percussion (light tapping of the skin with your hands) and even pinching. Massage can also be incorporated into foreplay.

Let me be clear- foreplay is something to be reciprocated. So don’t think ladies that you are the only ones who need foreplay. Men enjoy foreplay as well. Check out the article I’m In My Zone: Erogenous Zones- The Right Places to Tease, Touch and Suck for more insight on the places to stimulate on both men and women during foreplay.

In closing, oral sex is just that… oral sex. Just because most of the time you may give oral sex prior to having sex doesn’t qualify it to be foreplay. Be more vocal and get into the habit of letting your mate know what you want, where you want to be touched. Try whispering things you want them to do to you in their ear, while softly kissing the sides of their neck. Here’s a little secret… The greatest foreplay starts way before you even touch- try a little mindsex!